29 Responses to “Dear SafeMama: Shower Etiquette, Reader Feedback”

1. Brooke Wilson on April 23rd, 2009 2:43 pm

   I’m really interested to hear what people have to say. My daughter is about to turn 1 and I dealt with this a lot at my baby showers. Now, that her birthday is coming I know people are going to want to buy her things… many of which are toys that are made from things that aren’t great for her or the environment.

   Thanks so much for posting this question! As always you girls are such a great source for us new “green” mamas!

2. Rebecca on April 23rd, 2009 2:45 pm

   Isn’t it a shame that it has come to this? I think sticking a brief insert in with the invitations is not only helpful, but a nice way of communicating what you want. You will be educating many! I personally would not be offended to receive it. Often times, people shop for the cheapest items or what is on sale. I would definitely approach it from a “lack of government regulations” standpoint than from a “don’t buy me this” standpoint. Maybe a short summary of what the concerns are and that the government is continuing to allow harmful chemicals in baby products and you don’t want that for your child. That should encourage people to stick to your registry. Hope that helps!

3. Elizabeth on April 23rd, 2009 2:49 pm

   I ended up making a page on my blog that was included in all my shower invitations that explained our parenting philosophy and included items that we did not want or need. I think most people really want to get you things that you want and need and that adhere to your parenting philosophy. I see nothing wrong with being up front as long as you are also expressing your gratefulness for them wanting to bless you and your child.

   I utilized myregistry.com to allow for a wide variety of items from different small shops. You also could see if there are ‘natural baby stores’ in your area that allow registries (instead of the typical Target or Babies R Us registries) or suggest stores where you would like to see toys or clothing being purchased from (like green toys or plan toys).

   Good luck!

4. Lisa Kincart on April 23rd, 2009 3:08 pm

   Maybe on the shower invitation the hostess can come up with a catchy rhyme or something that explains your wishes. I am not a poet by any means but you could say something like… “Jane Doe is having a baby… Join us at an eco-conscious, safe baby, Baby Shower. If you do it in a fun way it won’t sound so bad. In small print at the bottom (after the cute rhyme you could say something about how you have chosen to register for chemical free baby products). Are you registering at an online store that caters to safe baby products? If you register on one of these sites, maybe some guests will get the hint. Those are my suggestions.

5. Virginia G on April 23rd, 2009 3:09 pm

   I think you have to be pretty careful about seeming ungrateful or overly-controlling.
   1) You should definitely register at one or two places that are accessible for people, and have the shower hostesses specifically mention your registries. Do be sure to put as many low-cost items on the lists as possible – sometimes organic clothing, cloth diapers, BPA-free gear, etc. can be pretty pricey and you don’t want people to end up buying something that isn’t enviro-friendly because they can’t afford anything you ask for.
   2) You could also have your hostesses discreetly mention that because you have several showers, it would be helpful if people would include gift receipts in case you receive duplicates.
   3) How about suggesting to your hostesses that they have green-themed showers? That way they could continue the theme of what people will see on your registry, and it will underscore how important this is to you.

   I think your positions, as stated above are very commendable! But I think you can be tactful about this, too – remember that people are happy for you and are spending their own money to share a little of their joy with you…being very specific about “rules” for gifts can seem a little presumptuous if you’re not careful.

6. Virginia G on April 23rd, 2009 3:10 pm

   Oh, I forgot to mention…if you know the store that something was purchased from, you can sometimes return it without a receipt for a store credit, if you tell the customer service people that it was gift.

7. Twwly on April 23rd, 2009 3:39 pm

   We have two kids and (next to no) plastic toys in the house, and definitely nothing from Johnson & Johnsons or the like!

   I know you’re asking about showers, but we had a surprise shower, so this is how we deal with the issue over birthdays and other holidays.

   (1) Best wishes only. Present free parties. From guests anyway. We give our littles presents we have purchased and everyone else can just save their dough and come eat cake. Or contribute to their RESPs.

   (2) Since we live in the middle of nowhere and it’s hard for Gparents to know what to buy, we will buy a bunch of gifts and let them pick and purchase items from the stuff we have bought.

   (3) We’ve made it clear to friends and relatives that we don’t do plastic toys and that any gifts as such can and are donated to local shelters.

   For showers I would recommend the couple make a wishlist online or ask for financial contributions towards a car seat or something else like that. You just make clear you don’t need lots of “stuff”.

8. Becky on April 23rd, 2009 4:08 pm

   I put a little line on our invitations that said something like “Please help us as we attempt to raise our child in an environmentally friendly home.” I got a few wayward gifts but for the most part people were really creative!

9. Ana on April 23rd, 2009 5:34 pm

   The sad truth I think, is that there is no polite way to do it. I spent a number of weekends doing research on what to put on my baby registry and people still bought what “they” think I neede. It was the most frustrating and disappointing thing. What I’ve done recently is to forward to family members the links to sites that I trust where they can either purchase safe toys/product or research something they want to buy.
   I think the insert idea is great. You can says something like you are trying to “provide your baby with an environment that is free of chemicals and toxins and that you hope family and friends help you achieve this goal”.
   Best of luck!!!
   I did get a lots of gifts with receipts, so I returned everything I did not want and bought what I wanted.

10. michelle on April 23rd, 2009 8:25 pm

    You know, I feel the same way about this as I do about wedding presents. If someone is generous enough to give you a gift, your job as the recipient is to be gracious. If you want to provide guidance via a registry, that’s fine, but if someone decides to buy you something that you didn’t ask for or don’t want, see above. I would tread lightly with providing guidance to your invitees. Or, as a poster suggested, have a gift-free shower or a book-themed shower or, even, no showers at all, if it’s such a source of worry/frustration. And please donate the things you don’t want. I understand the concern, but the stuff’s already bought, it’s stuff that lots of other people use/want, and it’s better off not going into the landfill. There were lots of things on my registry that I didn’t receive, thank you notes that I wrote for presents that I didn’t want and didn’t keep. It’s just how it goes. Be gracious.

11. electriclady on April 23rd, 2009 8:56 pm

    This is a really hard one to handle. My husband’s extended family is definitely not clued in to these types of concerns, and I knew that in our case, putting a note with the shower info as people are suggesting would have come across as rude or controlling.

    The thing is, people do want to get you what you want–so give them as much direction as possible. I’d say to definitely register for any items that you are hard core about–for me that would have been baby bottles, diapers/wipes, bath toys, skin care products. People like to buy that stuff and if you don’t give them specific suggestions they will just buy what they are familiar with, which usually means J&J. Clothing is harder, because organic stuff can be very expensive and people just love to buy little baby outfits–but I didn’t care so much about clothing myself, and even if you do care about it for your own baby, clothing is something that I think the value of donating it to someone in need far outweighs any potential harm.

    If you do get things without a receipt, you can often take it back to a big box store for store credit–even things like shampoo.

12. stephanie on April 24th, 2009 12:45 am

    i agree with michelle. there really is no way for you to communicate to people what kind(s) of gifts to get or not get for you unless they have asked you directly.

    i also agree that donating the things you don’t want or won’t use (if you can’t return them for things you do want/will use) is still perfectly fine. i wouldn’t give as a gift to someone else a thing i wouldn’t use, but lots of other people may have different preferences and that’s not necessarily for you to decide for them.

    i know, it’s not an easy situation. i struggled with this myself when pregnant with my daughter, but ultimately you can’t control what people give you and you’re better off just letting all of that slide off your shoulders as best you can.

13. Lisa on April 24th, 2009 12:58 am

    When I created my registry I did two – one at Babies R Us and one at My Registry. I did the research and only picked green items. Only one person commented about the theme. I also made a note as part of the registries about “helping us raise a green baby.” Regardless, I did get some gifts not from the registry. I returned what I could or donated the rest. I had my mother talk up the importance of shopping from the registry to avoid duplicating things I won’t need. I’d say for the most part it worked and I only returned a small number of items. Its difficult to politely communicate your views to others especially when they may not be inline with their own. You do not want to offend a person or make them feel as though they have done wrong by their own children. It can be a fine line between sharing your view and pushing it on others.

14. Cindy on April 24th, 2009 2:44 am

    Some of the others have touched on this, but I think it’s hard to achieve the ‘green shower.’ For instance, my relatives are pretty “old school” so I know I’d get ‘non-green’ things, but the big box stores are generally great about taking back returns, even without a receipt. Granted you’ll get store credit, but still, you could probably put it to good use on items that you would prefer. Places like Babies R Us, and even the dreaded WalMart, are going greener every day.

15. Robyn on April 24th, 2009 6:40 am

    I agree with Lisa and Virginia. For my friend’s showers (1 wedding and 2 baby) I made up poems sort of indicating what the gift situation was. AFAIK, no one was offended, and my friend thought they were really nifty. (She borrowed one for my baby shower.)

    You can also find a way to suggest gifts of help – whether it’s someone coming over to watch the baby so you can nap, or to wash the dishes, or a dinner service. A group of people can go in together on a cleaning service for a couple of months, for example.

    I came up with:
    Jen and Jason are totally keen
    on raising their little one totally green.
    Hand-me-downs welcome, gifts need not be new.
    They know when the baby comes, they’ll need help too.
    Time and attention, if you’ve some to spare,
    are gifts from the heart we’d love you to share.

16. Tracy on April 24th, 2009 2:36 pm

    I’d like to know where this person is from-jsut b/c I am from the South, and my MIL makes comments all the time about how I read too much, etc…(referring to all my “green-ness”).
    So…that being said, this is what I would do: Register for what you want and need, and make sure you register for things like baby soap, etc. that is organic, etc. b/c if you don’t reg at all for this stuff, people will say “well she doesn’t know that she needs [insert product name here]“…THEN, try your hardest to return unwanted items, then I would have to say I would throw out any chemical items-I cannot in good conscience donate any of that crap!
    Here in the South it would just be unheard of to be so blount about certain things-its better just to smile and throw it away!!!Not exactly eco-friendly…but its the best you can do sometimes.

    *I absolutely LOVE the shower invite idea by Robyn!!

17. Joan on April 24th, 2009 3:10 pm

    I had a “Green Baby shower” just last year and it was a HUGE success. My invitations were printed on recycled paper with plant inks and were hand designed by an artist friend of mine. Each invitation included a insert that said:
    —————————
    A new family member will soon arrive!
    Joan and John are looking forward to welcoming their new baby boy into an environmentally healthy home and would
    love and appreciate your help!

    You may be asking what a “green” baby shower is. Being “green” means making choices that are simultaneously good for both the environment and our health, especially
    our children’s health. Joan and John are excited to be able to provide a healthy non-toxic nursery to their newborn
    and are eager to be able to share this incredible experience with you.

    Here are some ways you can help:
    Previously loved items are appreciated. Shop for used baby items in resale shops or give baby items that you have used and loved and no longer need! However, safety items,
    such as car seats or swings, are not recommended.

    Save money and produce less waste by not using wrapping paper opting instead to wrap your gifts in organic baby blankets or recycled brown paper bags that you or your
    kids can decorate.

    Help protect their newborn son’s skin by purchasing organic cottons that are grown and manufactured without harmful pesticides, chemical treatments, and toxic dyes that
    are used to create baby clothing, blankets, toys, etc.

    If you are unsure how to help, purchase an item off the baby registry. John and Joan have taken the time to make sure that all the items listed on there are safe from harmful chemicals and toxic BPA plastics.
    ————
    I don’t come from the most educated of families and none of them knew what organic was until I became pregnant, but with guidance they have been huge supporters of my choices. And all the guests at the shower did amazing with wrapping the gifts in baby blankets or paper bags.

    For decorations, we did potted flowers as centerpieces and my sisters bought a ton of used and new organic baby clothes and hung them from clotheslines around the room. No other decorations were needed.

    Instead of wasting paper and supplies on games, instead I took the extra time when opening gifts to have the person who gave it help me open it and I would tell how I knew this person and why there were special to me.

    My sisters and best friend splurged a little to have it catered, and it was simple chicken/tuna salad sandwiches, pasta salad, salad, and veggies. So the caterer supplied glass place settings and silverware. I was really adamant about a zero or very little waste shower. So, if they hadn’t gone that extra mile I was going to use different mismatched wedding china that I have from my great-grandmothers and grandmother’s.

    I registered for the bare minimum at Babies R Us. The list they gave me of supplies I would need was so long and included things that I knew I wasn’t going to use. So, by limiting the amount of unnecessary items I was able to focus solely on organic and baby safe things and it worked!! I had almost nothing to return back that was unsafe or that I wouldn’t have bought for myself.

    I also made sure that everyone new beforehand that I was going the cloth diaper route and to not buy any diapers. Therefore we didn’t need to include this in our invitation insert.

18. Joan on April 24th, 2009 3:16 pm

    I forgot to point out, that buy providing low cost (secondhand) or even free (reused)items as gifts really made people want to stick to the theme. This way they can help be a part of your celebration without being obligated to buy a gift at all. I got a ton of stuff from secondhand stores and it was awesome!!!

19. Missy on April 24th, 2009 4:10 pm

    My advise to you is to put a smile on your face and accept all gifts or you will appear to be ungrateful. You cannot control what people buy you so happily accept and return or donate what you don’t use. Most people buy off the registry anyway. In this economy, a lot of people can’t afford the “green” baby items and would be grateful for donated items. In a perfect world, no one would use baby items that are harmful but unfortuanely it’s not a perfect world and there are many struggling families out there who could use them.

20. Brittany on April 24th, 2009 5:01 pm

    Have the shower information indicate preferance or have the host give out the information. For my shower, I registered, so that helped in giving specific items that would I wanted. Also, I asked for used items if possible, so for a group gift I was given gift certificate to a consignment shop near my house.

    Wrapping was not a big issue as most women were reusing packaging that they got for their own showers and I will reuse them for someone else’s.

21. Kari on April 24th, 2009 5:12 pm

    I don’t think there is a tactful way to really handle this unless someone specifically asks you what you want or don’t want. Register for only things you would use, making sure to include all price ranges so people will be more likely to stick to your list. Then, smile and be thankful for the gifts, no matter what, because they are thinking of you, loving you enough to want to welcome your litle one into the world. If they come with receipts, exchange them for eco-friendly items you would like to have. If not, donate them as not to waste the money of the person that purchased the items.

22. Brenda Hodai on April 24th, 2009 5:39 pm

    I was interested in everyone’s thoughts about this. I really like the idea of using http://www.myregistry.com . A registry is the way to tell your guest specifically what you want. This site has everything!!!! If a guest chooses to buy something not on your registry then that is their choice. I would just be grateful.

23. melissa on April 24th, 2009 5:50 pm

    most people touched on this but wanted to reiterate that you can totally do this! i had 3 showers (we live in a different state then both our fams) and about 90% of my gifts were eco-friendly.
    1) tell your close friends and family to spread the word
    2)only register at places that have “green” items and for “green” items–FYI toys r us does have an organic line of clothes and they do seem to be adding more things. i registered at amazon.com–which has a huge selection and 2 local stores that only carry green/sustainable/organic products
    4)if you have a blog or facebook page, write about your desire to bring up your baby in an eco friendly environment
    3)know that you will get gifts that do not meet your criteria and don’t get upset about it. i was able to exchange or return all those items i didn’t want. and honestly, those gifts come from the heart, so it’s hard to be annoyed:)

    it’s been a yr since my family has completely changed our lifestyle. last yr, at my showers there were a lot of naysayers. but now, i have people coming to me all the time asking for advice on how they can incorporate this lifestyle into their lives.

    think of this as an opportunity to learn and to teach others.

    good luck and have fun at your shower!

24. Cheri Dracobly on April 24th, 2009 5:55 pm

    Wow, what great ideas. I think the inserts and registering are wonderful ideas.

    Also, I wanted to mention that there is a web-site called the hunger site that has a store with a section called “gifts that give more” and in this section they have gifts like helping to build a school in Nepal or feeding an American family. They have one in particular that I gave to some friends at their shower and that was: “African Infant Feeding Mercy Kit”. And I made the donation in their new baby’s name. This could be another possibility to mention in the invitation insert and it is a wonderful way to help others in our world and at the same time reduce amount of “stuff”.

    Here is the link

    Cheri )

25. Melanie Chelpka on April 24th, 2009 6:56 pm

    As far at ethics go, I see throwing away items more of a waste than donating them to people in need. Maybe find a local women’s shelter and donate items for which you don’t have a gift receipt. Better to needy people than the landfill.

    Another thought, use “go green” as a shower theme: use recycled items, ask attendees to donate gently used baby clothes instead of buying new, maybe offer a prize for the person who is most green at home, and maybe do a twist on a scavenger-hunt game but have people look at household items for dangers or try to find earth-friendly items (prizes could include safe cleaning products like Seventh Generation brand for example, or offer phthalate free body care items like Burts Bees brand.)

    One way I’ve tried to tackle the shower gift issue is by registering online with mygiftlist.com. The website offers a form to fill out where you can list the product price, description, and where to buy. I personally registered for LuSa Organics and Safe Mama Angel Baby products on my registry.

    Also, Target.com offers “notes” and you can add your concerns and hope people actually read the notes on your registry.

    After reading more comments, looks like others have touched on these ideas. Take care.

26. Aaliyah on April 25th, 2009 2:09 pm

    Hi,

    I thought that since brides have a bridal registry, why can’t a mother to be have a baby registry.

    With hundreds of resources literally at our fingertips, it would be very hard NOT to find a site that offered eco-friendly baby products.

    You could find the site you like and approve of and e-mail them to ask about a Baby Registry if you do not see a tab for it.

    When you send out your invites, include the site and the name you are under.

    Like me, most people are always at a loss as to what a mom-to-be needs and always fret over wether or not what they got is right or if someone else purchased it already.

    With the registry, it helps your guests out so they are not guessing what you need and avoids duplicate gifts.

    I am not that familar yet with a lot of sites but I came across BabyEarth.com (they have an EcoFriendly tab devoted entirely to eco-friendly products for the baby). Not sure how you may feel about the rest of what they offer so I provide them as just an idea to get you going.

    They do have a Baby Registry and with over 800 products in the eco-friendly section alone, I am pretty hopeful you will be able to have a guilt free baby shower.

    This statement is also in their “Check Out More about Organic Baby Products”

    ( ‘BabyEarth’s delicious selection of green baby gear and products, like organic baby bedding, bisphenol-A (BPA) free baby bottles…) and much more that includes a list of the companies offering Organic products in their store.

    I hope that helps a little so that you can have a wonderfully ‘green and beautiful’ baby shower.

    )

27. Mandy on April 28th, 2009 7:41 pm

    I am a little late on this, for non-shower gifts-Amazon has a wish list feature, that I used for Christmas to help guide well meaning great-grandparents away from plastics (and Barbie!) Mostly, people just want to give things that you or your kids want. Helping them know what that is helps everyone, I think.

28. Ann on April 29th, 2009 11:01 pm

    I am dealing with this exact predicament! My approach was to register at myregistry.com so I could sign up for cloth diapers, safe bath products, an organic crib mattress, etc. My hope is that people will be able to get the gist of our philosophy just by looking at the items we registered for. Who knows if it will work – my baby showers are still a month away!

29. Christina on April 30th, 2009 2:12 am

    All of the above are good ideas, in the past year since i have had my son i have definitely seen more natural products popping up in Target + Babies R Us where i know a large majority of people shop, which is nice to see. Registering for Seventh Generation, Burt Bees and California Baby items might give them a hint to the eco-friendless that you are leaning towards. Or since you are having a few showers maybe one could be dedicated to requesting that your guests share their favorite childhood books as a gift, this is what we are doing for our sons upcoming birthday to prevent an onslaught of plastic toys.

     

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